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btwixt
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Name: B'twixt
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Kansas City
Birthday: 1/26/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: a clockwork orange, activism, adult swim, aesop rock, air, amethyst, angelina jolie, aquarians, aquarius, argyle socks, art, astrology, ayn rand, b&w photography, bad poetry, bettie page, billie holiday, bitch magazine, björk, black women, bob marley, body modification, books, boy briefs, brother ali, buck 65, burlesque, c.e.s. cru, chai, chucks, civil rights, contra naturam, corsetry, corsets, creating, creativity, cuddling, cuffs, cunt, devotchka, digital art, dorks, dreams, eddie izzard, ella fitzgerald, ellipsis, esthero, film, francesca lia block, free speech, funk, geeks, gender, gender fuck, genderqueer, guerrilla news network, hip hop, hoodies, human crop circles, indie, indie films, intelligence, intj, issac asimov, jovan, kansas city, lawrence hip hop, left hand, lesbians, librarian fetish, library dykes, literature, loneliness, lonely, macintosh, mad max, mae west, mike patton, mixed-media, moloko, moon, music, nerds, obsession, occult
Expertise: me.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Media
Message: message meEmail: email me
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AIM:  b3twixt
Yahoo:  b3twixt
Member Since:
5/3/2005
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| January 16, 2006 • Monday
the great bra debacle
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life
Headed down to my local Nordstroms to get an official bra fitting. Walking into the huge dressing room the lady asked me to take off my shirt and bra. (I knew that was to happen but a bit disconcerted.) She left to let me disrobe. We talked about the bra that V's Secret set me up with and the size I usually shop for.
She glanced quickly at my pierced nipples and went about the task of measuring my under and over my breasts. The plastic measuring tape was so cold and I could see myself reflected in two different mirrors.
The things that one must go through just to keep everything from jiggling around and offending polite society.
I was expecting for her to tell me that I was the same size or smaller than what I was before - I was a 36DD. I've lost a little weight so I thought they too would get a little smaller. But lo and behold I am now a 36DDD or 36F. My mind boggled right then and there. Boggled.
She said that I was probably that size already. I guess V's Secret doesn't carry anything that large so they tried to give me a "sister size" that is completely wrong. I remember them trying to give me a 38DD last time I went in but I at least know that I was 36" around so I stuck with the 36DD.
Which explains why I run through bras like crazy.
So now I must travel from store to store finding a bra that is at least half ways cute and doesn't keep me from eating for a week.
The perfect bra was tried on in that dressing room but for my size costs $66. Yes, $66 for one bra made of fabric, a couple of wires and elastic. It fit. And looked so nice when I tried on my tshirt over it. Still as large as ever but not sloppy. I love that bra so much. If I were to buy that bra that equals 2 bras that I would normally buy.
This weekend was filled with traveling from store to store. Trying on a bra here and there. Hating so many of them. I think I found some cheaper substitutes but no one has the colors or the size that I need. Why are the colors brown, black or white so hard to find? And why do these bras cost so much anyways? And so many so absolutely hideous. They are breasts not globes used for torture....although that could be arranged if need be.
Ok Im really going to do my spanish homework now. Im so serious. Maybe I should just go to sleep and do the homework in the morning. Ok thats a bad idea. Im now going to do my homework.
10:37 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
snippet
Category: Life
i know no one stays. people just breeze through your life. water between your fingers.
I guess what I'm looking for is someone to surprise me. To rise above my preconceived notions of consistent let down. I expect people to fuck up, I expect people to not call, I expect so much to go wrong. Yet i get so frustrated when people fall into these expectations.
I am such a pessimistic at heart. I have worked on positive thinking but I'm still a realist at heart.
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weekend recap
Current mood: accomplished
This seems to be the time that old friends reach out to contact me. A handful of people that I haven't talked to in a while just keep cropping up. Hung out in the Women's Center on Friday while waiting for people to get stuff to me so I didn't have to hang at the U-News. Got hitachi tips from Destin while she painted my nails an electric blue. She asked if I hated her. And was glad to know that I don't. Got questions about my current sex life and the mishap with Red. Cigarettes with Maria helped my tummy.
Got to hang out with Greco that night. Also ran into my ex's ex-girlfriend - he just keeps churning out lesbians left and right. Poor guy.
Met Christine -Senator Squirrel- at The Planet. Lesbian drama interfered with coffee time and we were kicked out of The Planet garage. Weird nonsense, really juvenile . Hopefully I don't get dragged into that mess.
Went to Chubby's to eat and Fric'n'Frac to drink. I have been promised that a search will be on to find me lesbians. I have been promised one lesbian once she gets out of her current relationship - lesbians are so strange sometimes.
Ended up on this really nice lady's couch discussing why everyone hates Greco. That girl just draws drama to her but she is a good person in spite of it. Miykal stomped in mad that we had to work in the morning and were ready to leave. The fucker didn't even say hi to me he was so pissed. Lame.
Shopping with DeeJay on Friday and Saturday. We have cut ourselves off. If you knew how many Target stores I have been to in the last week or so you would beat me with a stick. Every store is having crazy clearance deals that I have not been very good at resisting. Considering all of the stuff I have bought you would be more surprised at how little I have spent.
My job at the paper was good this week. Mostly everyone turned in everything on time and I was able to edit quickly.
Last night after watching 'the l word' with DeeJay I went over to smoke with Charity. Lots of rambling, smoking and Sonic Youth. We also played this game - kokoro (something like that). This game goes through these scenarios and has you choose between 4 options. These scenarios are supposed to touch on some aspect of your personality and how you react to the world.
Well we were quite high (ok I was tore up!) but we got through a bunch of them. Most were so dead on it was scary. One or two was a little iffy but only in the degree. (One said I fell in love easily when I don't - I do get crushes easily. Love takes a little bit more - I don't take it lightly.)
I should have borrowed one of those books because they were quite fun, insightful, and I would love to find out my other friends answers. I did get to borrow Wicked.
Today I spent the day cleaning my room like crazy. Throwing out the boxes and bags accumulated in the last few days. Vacuumed all over. Put up some wall art. Framed a couple of signed concert screen prints and other shows prints that I helped organize. Made some art with black lace, brown frame, and a rainbow butterfly - you have to see it to understand it. Put away all of my toys. Felt good to get all of that done.
Thats not the only reason though, stoned masturbation is definitely the way to go. I haven't got laid in about a month. Which means I haven't climaxed in a month. A whole month.
I really must get on that spanish homework. Cleaning my room took up so much of my day off but Im so happy to have it done.
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January 10, 2006 • Tuesday
film, life, nonsense
Current mood: cheerful
Had the first day of my senior seminar with one of my favorite professors, Dr. Carol Koehler. This is one amazing woman who knows communication and film theory but also knows the reality of a college student. I enjoy talking with her and she helps me work out 'life' type stuff. This will probably be a tough course but I feel I will get a lot out of it. I really hope I do well because I would like to show her that I am worthy of this degree. I don't feel as if I did last semester.
Quote of the day:
Mauricio needed Dr. Koehler to hand him a syllabus after she walked towards the front of the room. He called her Carol. "Carol, Carol."
She turned to him and said, "That's Dr. Koehler. You are not on my level."
I work with her in the department and I have never even thought to call her Carol. It is always Dr. Koehler. Hell, I call my boss, the Department Chair a PhD., by his first name and everyone else in the department by their first names. I don't know why I have never called her Carol but I'm glad I haven't felt the desire to.
The first days of classes are always my favorite in the department because everyone is smiling and excited about the new semester. Well everyone is actually around instead of hiding from the busy that will take over very soon.
Talked to my boss about my papers because I have never received a paper back at the end of the semester. Im not sure if many people know this but I am a 'film' major. Usually I take a couple of film history classes each semester and write anywhere from 3 to 5 papers for these courses. (Each is usually 4-6 pages in length.) These papers are how I get my grades and I usually get A's in each course. (Its the only reason I have a good gpa.) This will be the first semester I will not have a film history class.
These papers I never see once I turn them in. I jokingly thought the teaching assistants were eating them or burning them at the end of the semester but giving me good grades because I work in the department. I relayed this theory to my boss and his teaching assistant (she is oh so cute). She laughed and told me that since they know me as a good student and that my boss personally reads my papers and grades them. (And if you know Poe you know that he rarely keeps track of things so the papers that he read and graded is probably under his car seat or buried in the rest of his work.)
I can deal with lost papers because I have electronic copies and backups of each. I am so happy that Poe is the one who actually reads my papers because I was afraid that the teaching assistants weren't grading me critically or they were grading me compared to other students. This isn't a dig at the teaching assistants who do most of the grading but I know what its like to go through dozens of horrible papers to come to a paper that is good (not great) and grade/evaluate compared to the other papers - not the paper on its own merits.
Im a writer who loves to have my writing critiqued and 'bleeding' on the page - red ink everywhere. I know Im not as great a writer as I could be and I beg for my academic writing to be actually graded.
Especially in my degree area - the more I study film the more I feel as if I don't know nearly enough about film. Thats why I have decided to get my masters - I don't know enough.
I will be graduating in May and I don't feel intelligent. Im going to/have been paying so much money for college and I don't feel intelligent. I don't feel like I can walk into anywhere and be an authority on film - although I'm just 10 credit hours, 3 classes away from a bachelors degree. If you take away the rest of the general education classes I am technically 3 credit hours, 1 class away from my film/media degree - my senior seminar.
This is smacking me in the face and now I know why I have been so hesitant to graduate outright - there is always an excuse and I have let the U-News be apart of that excuse. I do not feel as if I deserve to have this degree.
I know what people are going to say, 'you've worked so hard', 'you've paid for it', 'you've earned it' etc.
I know all of that. And I feel as if I should believe it. Intellectually I know that. It would be the same this I would same to others and I would believe it. (Except for those last ditch liberal study cats... you know who you are... i kid, i kid.)
Nick remarked that he made straight A's in his degree major area but due to just wanting to be done with school he discarded that for the liberal studies. I fully understand and support this decision but I cannot make the same decision. Nick said it was because I was responsible but I'm not sure if thats the right answer. I could switch to that degree and I would probably be able to drop all but one class and definitely graduate in May. If I would have done that last semester I could have graduated in December - I have more than enough credit hours and everything.
I refused. I need to see this course of study to the end. I need to see where this will take me. I also want to take it further and study more but Im not willing to move somewhere crazy and live in a cardboard box to do it. There are so many types of film I have had the chance to sift through. I wish to delve more into film theory. I want to prove to Dr. Koehler that I deserve this degree.
That last paragraph is a nice stopping point but I really have more to say and think through. All of which Im sure could never be finished in one night.
Im always struck by how much film is an everyday part of my life but I rarely write about the films that I see in my journals or for the newspaper. I watch so many films a week for fun and for classes but you wouldn't know it if all you did was read this blog. I've been meaning to put together a list of all the movies I have seen in the past year but the list would need to be divided between those that I have seen in the theatre, on dvd and television. (God love movie channels and dvr!)
My plan is to incorporate more film into my daily/weekly writing as well as conversation. Perhaps I will begin writing film reviews for the paper... Not sure if that is going to happen. This will be a busy semester.
Im looking for going out of town this semester. Im looking at Chicago - Belle @ Sebastian will be there during spring break and I still want to see Wicked.
There are already plans for St. Louis for a college media conference and maybe Mardi Gras so I will need to see how much money that will take up.
What little cardio I did kicked my recovering ass - I was sick for most of last week. (It didn't help that I tried out a new machine in the gym today.) Yoga stretches also stretched much more that I thought. I need to make sure to go at my own rate, especially with my past leg injury and nasty cold virus recovery.
Apple is now telling me that I must update my operating system and iTunes so I will hop on that so I can go to sleep.
P.S. Cute girls and my reactive stomach just do not mix. Some girls can just make those butterflies bump and grind in my belly. I'm not revealing names. I think they know.
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January 1, 2006 • Sunday
new years
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life
Tonight was rather long but definitely fun. Went to a 'dinner' party around 6.30 - we were gone by 7.30 or 8. Went back to the apartment and decided to get a little drunk before we went to my friends party - which was just around the corner. Strange girls came to our apartment carrying a jug of sangria in a backpack. Hilarity ensued while we waited to be fashionably late. The fringe parties just merged into our apartment then we headed to the main party. Ran into a Esther who I hadn't seen in a while so we plopped our asses on the stairs and talked for a long while. Courtney thought she was my date. (Esther is the only person I will 'squeal' for and hug when I see her. Im such a dork.)
My roommate and our friends really weren't having fun at the party so they moved half the party to our apartment. Finished talking with Esther and decided that I didn't want to roam the party alone. When I finally made it back to my apartment there were gay men making out with hot chicks in fishnets, lesbians grabbing each other, my good friend dancing/flipping like a stripper and my other friends just watching the melee. We had cameras but for some reason failed to catch the action. (how lame is that?!)
Drinking, gawking, dirty dancing. Everyone hit midnight pretty hard - I just stood back and shook my head. Not in a negative way at all but marveling at my new years. (Also remembering promised new years kisses to one awesome lesbian.)
More drinking and discussion with Drew and Jason while everyone else was wylin out. (My descriptions do the gathering no justice.)
After about an hour or so after the midnight I decided that we should be scooting so my roommate could have his loving time and would be done by the time I was ready to sleep. So we head back to the other party where Courtney starts remembering and spilling people secrets. All in good fun - she never means any harm. It was damn hilarious and I grab a PBR to watch Courtney in action. (Courtney is the fiery red head on my Top 8 that goes by the title: Freedom Slut. Quite fun and exciting to party with. You should friend her.)
I suck horribly at mingling and tend to stick with people I know. Yet I spotted this really cute girl in a checkered blazer with a yellow tee underneath with tan? pants and cute brown shoes. I got the vibe and tried to catch her eye. I did briefly and moved into the other room to get a closer look while talking to some other friends. Im not sure but I think this other black girl got the same vibe from this girl and started talking to her before I could move next to her and try to strike up conversation. (This black girl has the same style as me: scarf, semi-curly fro w/headband, and a love of converse all-stars. She is mixed though. I also think Im hotter.) The black girl started talking to me and the other girl got drawn into conversation with someone else. Damn. When I stopped talking to the black girl I went back to the other room with Courtney to ask her advice about the 'blazer girl'. Courtney of course whispers in my ear that I should so go talk to her. (Courtney's whispers are more like talking across the room.) Other people listened in to our convo and I clam up. Putting me on the spot is not a good idea. (Actually once I get past the scared part Im usually ok if not absolutely rockin'.)
Courtney offers to hook us up. I cringe as I don't want this girl to run away embarrassed because Courtney can put it all out there. (She once yelled across the table in a busy bar that my ex should in reference to me, 'Take her home and fuck her pussy!')
I also know that I'm a chicken but I don't want to look like a chicken to cute girls that Im interested in. Luckily Jason distracts Courtney. She then turns to this other girl -Im not sure of her name but I think she lives in the house with Mustafaa - to ask if blazer girl is gay and her name. She doesn't know but encourages me to go talk to her. (Im sure if I were white my face would be a deep shade of red instead.) Peer pressure. She even looks at our crowd checking her out. All I can say is 'shhh you guys' and look away.
A minute later she walks by me and then she leaves with her drunken friend. Courtney offers to go after her but I tell her 'no'. Courtney then says that If we are meant to meet then we will meet again. I so should have talked to her and I'm an idiot for not doing so. I had no real doubts of her sexual orientation and I used that to keep myself from talking to her.
This is behavior that I need to stop and stop now. This new year I need to go after what I want to go after when it comes to women and friends. I've been doing good in the other areas of my life, going for what I want and getting it. Why not socially or romantically? I am holding my self back and that does no one any good. I looked good, I felt good and had nothing to lose.
Early morning food at Nichol's.
Nothing like an awesome roommate, good friends, onion rings, and coffee to bring in the new year.
I usually don't make these but here is my New Years resolution: talk to people, especially cute girls. I've been doing good with the talking to people but I think this year I need to step it up a notch.
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| December 30, 2005 • Friday
the past year... so i posted...
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life
Thinking over this last year - 2005. I would do one of those long surveys but that would be such a waste. This time last year I was writing about my time at the strip club for Tiffany's birthday - I was almost grabbed by some horny mexican man. On NYE I was researching grad schools and hiding from the public.
Professionally, for the most part, this has been a good year.
Busy working on graduation and working at the paper. Interned with Sike. Got a job as a graphics clerk in University Communications - good money, some experience, a couple of nice people but a big waste of time. I was happy when the summer semester ended and I returned to my regular jobs. Although they take up so much of my life they are definitely an important part of my life besides the money aspect. I enjoy working where I do and the people I work with. I can talk to my bosses about my life, film, and every other random bit.
Especially at the U-News. Even though we can be crazy and bitching at each other these are some of my favorite people. One downside has been when people become more distant. Courtney, who I adore so much, and I have drifted from each other. I know I drive her crazy but she was one of my greatest confidants and often gave me hope on so many fronts. Its been a tense semester.
Up until this semester I had been doing well in my courses - after three semesters of 4.0 this last semester I got a B-C average. Hopefully my spanish grade will not cause me to have to go through it all over again. This has not been my year for languages.
This hasn't been my year at all in the realm of personal relationships.
Around January 6 the ex gave me a late XMas present bought with her financial aid money - I truly thought she only came over for drugs and I was right. She went on a road trip to Chicago with her friend - without telling me mind you. I had to figure it out through the clues left carelessly behind. She ditched the show that I had invited her to. Of course I cried. A week later we were on a 'break'. The rest of the year pretty much goes this way - it felt like we were more on a break than off.
My birthday came with a couple of calls and being ditched by my 'break' girlfriend. She forgot that she promised to do something with me. (Yet I kept wondering why I didn't want to end it. Im such a fool.)
Drinking games with the Cru ending the week with me leaving a puke print in the shape of Africa. (Never play drunken pictionary against Jakki, Lucid and Sike - you wont win. )
In the spring I found german 'love' letters to another. I was crushed as I silently left her bed and the note of goodbye next to it. I avoided her calls of explanation. I planned to stay firm. The one time I answered I screamed, cried and she apologized and explained. I told her to stay away. By the end of the day she found me in my other office and refused to leave me alone until I took a trip with her. Our destination: Western Kansas. Hours of talking, crying, laughing, explaining, forgiving, promises, love. Me in her bed words falling from both of our lips, enmeshed in each others arms, legs, love.
I didn't take her back that day but soon I would.
We were the happy couple again. I practically lived in her home, I lived in her bed. Then came Tiffany, our friend and her new roommate. Tagging along, interrupting. Not liking Bia but still wishing to play house with her and I was the stumbling block to that. So fucking weird! We were at each others throats without actually being at each others throats. Bia called for a break so Tiff and I could get our act together and I could take care of some health issues. (Health issues that effected my libido and therefore our relationship. These have since been rectified.)
It was to be our third anniversary at the beginning of the summer. We met it together sorta. We were a couple but not a couple. She tried her damnedest to be nicer, to understand, to be what I needed her to be but I think that was because she knew I was ready to end it. Got a new apartment, had some money, went out with friends. Busy Jovan life.
Yet in my head I was making a list of pros and cons of being with her. Was the midnight laughter worth the midday shouting matches? Was the great sex worth shirking from a sudden move of her arm?
Over three years together and I finally called it off completely at the beginning of the fall. She went off too many times and too extreme. I was afraid for my safety and the love couldn't hold me to her. We were still best friends up until a few weeks ago. It came down to a sad fist fight and we've blocked each other out. Losing a girlfriend is one thing, losing a best friend another. (She did send me a merry xmas message so I know we just need time before our friendship can resume.)
I spent the rest of the fall telling myself that I need to stay away from women, focus on school. My desire for one of my friends caught the best of me and I pursued. (Ok I've wanted this woman since I met her about 2 years ago.)
I knew it was only for sex but I think everyone feared for my heart. Bia even interjected on my behalf although we were still fooling around and she wanted me back with her. My roommate joined the melee as well. It was the 'Coalition To Get Jovan Laid by ______'. It worked. We shared a joint, dinner and I had some of the best sex with this woman. I was hoping that we could do it again but returned calls were too much to ask for.
This propelled me to not focus so much on work to gain more lesbian friends, and attempt to date. I could easily just be out for sex but that never satisfies for long.
This is a bit iffy, to say the least. I've caught a few eyes and been checked out by some fine women. Learned that some girls are not who they portray themselves to be - that has been both a positive and a negative.
Everyone agrees that I have a bubble surrounding me. Lesbians keep telling me that they don't approach other girls. (How lesbians get together I obviously have no clue. They haven't mailed me the handbook yet.)
My gay male friend DeeJay has been allowed into one of the many lesbian enclaves and I get hit on by other gay men. Something is wrong in the world. I should just become the gay man my mom raised me to be.
I think I'll just continue to go out and have a good time. Make new friends both online and off. And always be sure to call people back.
Got to see a bunch of shows in the past year: Peanut Butter Wolf, RJD2, Buck 65, Sleater-Kinney, The Gossip, Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, 311, more... Also got to help plan a bunch of shows with the Style Network and witness Mac Lethal, Mr. Blake Blisken, and Bia in all her bravado.
Bought an awesome digital slr and have been working on my photography.
Once I get back to working regularly I will then buy my photo printer so I can work through more button ideas. (I have enough parts to make about 1000 buttons.) Getting through my reading and film lists over the break and plan to plow through more. Old friends walking into my life and friends lists.
This year:
Learned to take myself out. Learned how to tell her no. Making sure I don't always hide from the world. Learned that sometimes I must turn off the messengers and my cell phone for my sanity. Not take myself so seriously. Allow people in.
Work on my spirit, body, mind, and creativity.
Through the newspaper I learned that, "In the path of a bulldozer you must stand firm." Sounds like this year in a nutshell. Tomorrow I think I will just wander to different friends gatherings and say 'hey'. My intention is to be wandering the streets alone with my thoughts at midnight.
I don't know if I'll even post this.
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December 28, 2005 • Wednesday
the facade
Current mood: giggly
Thinking of the facade that people put on. The walls surrounding our core. Some people play the game of popularity so well and others not so much. Reminds me of high school where people would act out loud and outrageous just for the attention. The dance of creating a buzz around you so people would want to be near you just so they could be apart of the buzz. I hated high school because I would talk to these people and discover that they felt as alienated as I did.
As I have grown older the view has skewed a bit and I realize that this is something that I will never escape. Popularity and the desire to acquire it refuses to disappear. Not saying that I am above this desire but the times that I have touched popularity were not very fun for me. Being pushed and pulled in so many directions. Having to be nice to people who aren't very good people or with whom I have nothing in common. Not being able to say what you feel/think/want because you may offend half of the group. I just wish for conversation over coffee and it seems everyone in my age range just wants to drink and party. Maybe that why I stick to individuals as opposed to groups - there is much more leeway in terms of chosen activities and interactions.
Everywhere from work to college to websites this idea of popularity takes over. I have to deal with it.
I jump around so much in my head but things are interconnected. I truly believe there is something to learn in this lifetime and I think I have gone about discovering people in the wrong way. I can be so stubborn and set in my ways and hesitant to play games that I dont agree with or know the rules.
One game that I love is that of flirting. I cant refrain from giggling like a school girl. Being able to spot a girl from across the room and lock eyes with a smile.
Actually went out last night expecting to have an ok time but I actually had a blast. It probably helped that I smoked part of a J and took a shot before leaving the apartment. Nick was a bundle of crazy energy that infected Catherine and I.
I put on my super cute grey pinstripe pants, white unbuttoned polo, black v-neck sweater and my black pair of chucks. Must not forget I also sported my super-long black/blue/purple scarf and white headband.
Knowing that the club is less than 5 minutes from our apartment Nick decides that he must find the most perfect song - we went through almost every song on his iPod, past the club and around the block before he decided on MMMM Bop. Yes. MMMM Bop as loud as he could think to blast it. I just sunk further into the back seat, wtf? on my lips.
As soon as I walked in we were met with a new drunken fag-friend who thinks I am so pretty, loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and insisted in me joining him in the shoulder roll from the musical episode. All of this within the first 5-10 minutes of walking in the door. I made promises to watch his karaoke performance and join him in the shoulder roll after I had a few drinks.
We had an hour left for the $6 beer bust so I said 'fuck it' and decided to go for it. Greeting random gay boys I know from all around - I know so many gay men its not even funny.
Four beers later, laughter and a big drunken smile later we head upstairs to see what happening on the dance floor.
Malibu and pineapple juice was our next drink as the beer bust had ended. Delicious. Drunken haze. Smiling, smiling. Stumbling laughter. We were in our own world.
What is it about gay men and boobs? Their hands just gravitate to my own.
Locked smiling eyes with a couple of ladies but I didn't go further than that - you should know by now just how shy I am. I was just relieved to not be the only single lesbian in the gay boys bar. Strange new boys who want to hop on Nick - who is having none of that because he's got a man. But they insist so Nick changes the subject to baking cookies. How fucking random is that! I think I had half formed plans to get to the dance floor but we made our escape with our cookie excuses.
I feared for my life on the way back to the apartment but Catherine took responsibility for guiding Nick home. Yes we let him drive but I think both of us were in worst shape - I can't drive a stick shift anyways. Once home Nick suggested naked drunken dancing on the balcony but he figured that we still needed to take Catherine home so we went through another harrowing journey through our neighborhood. Made it back in one piece. Bed called, I answered.
Today was spent sitting around for the day and spending the evening walking the Plaza and shopping with Nick.
P.S. Who the hell reads this long ass shit anyways? I just went on and on and on...
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December 27, 2005 • Tuesday
truth
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Friends
Some people in the life I cannot lie to. When I talk to these people the words, pain, and laughter just come tumbling out. I don't hide behind the veneer of 'I'm okay.' or 'It's fine.'
It just happens so naturally. I don't hold my toungue and they open their ears to receive what I have to say. They are few in numbers which makes my love for them so much more.
This is so different from the rest of the world who just wish to lay thier words and secrets into me. I am a good listener and I have been since I was a child. I observe, I take notice, I learn about people. For the most part I really enjoy hearing the stories that people have to tell, hearing the pieces of their lives that they wish to share. But with that comes my own silence. Everybody wants to be heard and I think most people can forget that in the telling of their own tales. I've just become so used to it and expect it.
That is not to say that I wish to talk talk talk, that is not me either. Just occasionally interject a piece of myself into the world if only to make sure I am still alive.
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December 26, 2005 • Monday
Better morning
Current mood: calm
Category: Life
Its been a better morning. I kicked ass at the gym this morning. Keeping up with my cardio and feeling good while doing it. It helps to keep my mind clear.
Still lazy once I get home. After my shower I've been meandering around in only panties. Too lazy to even cook lunch. Music and reading have eaten away at my day. I need to watch Tipping the Velvet so I can get more dvds from Netflix. Im thinking of applying for this PA job so I can make some extra cash before school starts. Need to plan out the Forum section for the paper so it can sail much more smoothly this semester. Oh, I also need to figure out how to clone myself so I never have to take spanish again.
P.S. From on high it is official! I am 5'7"! Whoo!
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| bowels of winter Sunday, December 25, 2005
Holidays are draining and winter moreso. My writing is so strained lately yet I still feel the need to write. If I dont write I dont exist. I dont have a favorite paper journal right now so I'm creating buttons/pins instead. This library dyke is also catching up on her reading. Smoking Js with a box of matches moves so slow. Yet I feel it inappropriate to call people up to come smoke with me, it is Christmas afterall.
Came out of my apartment this morning, a car slowed and the window rolled down. A wonderful smile greeted me, Shane. I have fond memories of his smile and laughter when we worked in Queers and Allies together. He sent greetings of a Happy Christmahanukkah, a glad to see you, and a request to visit him at the Starbucks he works at. Not really a Starbucks girl (local coffeehouse rule!) but I may just to catch up.
I rushed through the family dinner, made my mom sad because I have little patience for talking with her about technology. I tried to smooth things over by explaining mp3s, iPods, and downloading music. I think she just likes to hear my voice sometimes but I hate to talk with her because she interjects with nonsense. Next year I need to learn not to be so impatient with her.
The disappointment of Christmas leaves me with little patience regardless. The disappointment is no longer for myself but for my little brother who still has some expectations of a merry christmas morning - he is, after all, 12 years old. I knew they would be found lacking.
No Christmas tree, a sad string of rainbow chile lights and a small sad fiber optics snowman put out on christmas eve because they bought it that afternoon. They spent yesterday shopping at the last minute for some sort of gift for my brother. Calling me, asking me what games he would like for a gift. Frantically realizing that there is nothing left, jackasses. They do this every year! They wait, they wait, they fail.
They make promises to take him shopping later, they didnt want to get him the wrong thing. The one thing they got him was a cheap ass $10 cd player from walmart - it took them 20-30 minutes to find it in the bags they brought home yesterday. No wrapping, not even a damned gift bag. As he went upstairs to check his email he said, "I should be a future predictor. I predicted this Christmas would suck and it does suck." I felt like jumping across the living room and choking my mother.
Instead I told my brother to hurry up so we could make the first showing of 'Chronicles of Narnia'. Bought tons of candy and soda (after all he was up all night watching xmas cartoons and eating all of my food).
I enjoyed the film, they handled the material well. Also it has one of my favorite actresses, Tilda Swinton. I swoon over her religiously. Especially in 'Orlando' - she bends gender so perfectly.
I cannot wait for the end of February, ending my winter. There is a month plus one day until my birthday. Stores are already receiveing Valentines Day nonsense. This winter is especially still. Thank god I found the lighter.
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12/14/05 Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Ok I’ve knocked out one of the last school obligations tonight. Thought it was for tomorrow but divine intervention made me look at the class announcements page tonight and discovered that I was a day off. That could have really screwed me up as the times to take the final were tonight at 7.30 and tomorrow morning at 10 - I had them mixed up.
I think I did good but who knows - this logic course has kicked my ass this semester. Tomorrow I have my spanish oral exam - this too shall kick my ass but I'll be ok.
I have a hankering for mimosas, pretty women, and dancing.
P.S. MySpace has transferred me back to 1996 where everyone had crazy blinking backgrounds, scrolling/shaking marquee photos, bad looping midi music, and white text on yellow backgrounds. Everyone should have to take a web design class before they start fucking with html.
In the wrong hands it’s a very dangerous thing. No offense to my friends who modified their pages in that fashion but no one can read your damn profile. The cacophony of opening multiple profiles with music is disastrous – especially if one is already listening to music on their computer.
Hopefully MySpace comes up with an option to turn off the music while I’m browsing. I wish MySpace would include multiple templates like Friendster so people would have more choices and stay away from html.
Maybe I’m just extra cranky due to the end of finals.
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eh Tuesday, December 13, 2005
A knock upon my door had my ex standing there nastily demanding that I give her back her book for our Bio class. Told her that it was at my apartment, she angrily ordered me to go get it. Pissed at her cussing, demanding tone and without a chance to say anything other than it was at my apartment I stared blankly. She stomped off and I closed the door. She rushed back and tried to open my door and then banged on it. I opened and she bitched at me some more. I told her to chill. She stomped off again. Eh.
If only she would have asked with some sense and at least some civility I would have went back to my apartment and got it for her. I understand her frustration and needing to have it for our Bio exam in 10 minutes but that is no reason to greet me with glares, curses, banging and stomping. (It is my place of work.)
The other night I realized how much I cared for her and just how our friendship went completely wrong. I sincerily miss her friendship and obviously the good times we shared - she was my best friend and confidant. However, I do not miss the crazy violent moments that would sweep the feet from under us and render us temporary foes. I can deal with losing a girlfriend but losing a best friend really hurts.
I just cannot focus on what is lost but focus on moving forward. Being careful not to fall into my hermetic ways that come so easily. I need to seek out some volunteer work as that usually helps for me to not dwell on nonsense. With the semester over I can get back to reading that was pushed to the side.
Im probably annoying the hell out of my roommate because he gets to hear everything and answer all of my questions - today I had him give me a tour of the gym. And so begins my road to feeling physically better.
Must take a nap so I can focus on half way learning some spanish. | | |
| Putting myself out there is sorta working. Went out on Wednesday. Dinner and drinking. She is super cute. Interesting conversations about music and work injuries. Another Cancer, 28. Nick likes her but he also liked Mexican Pete as well. So who knows about his judgement... She put out the invitation for another time. I just need to finish this semester so I can put aside some time.
Made another new friend who is very interesting. She lives a little bit over an hour away. An Aquarius like me. In some ways she is like me, only in a parallel universe. She was president of her schools queers & allies, interested in religions. In others so not like me. She likes to perform and be in front of the crowd - I hide in the background.
Trying to back off a bit from the D situation. Worry about that another day. Red goes back and forth from wanting me to wanting to fall out of love with me. I still love her.
Guys have been flirting with me as well but I'm not sure if thats something I want to explore right now. They are gonna have to be pretty special if they want me to cross that line again.
Now I must return to homework and the end of semester crunch!
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| I'm in a weird space right now. I am fluctuating between restlessness and extreme tiredness. Neither of which allows me to get anything done. I have this reservoir of sexual energy that needs to be released. Just had some the other day with Red and last week with Red and then D. I would love to have another session with D but feel weird calling her... I've already messaged her. (Got to work on those sexually assertive skills, especially if I want to get laid.)
Perhaps I should just go have fun with my Hitachi and later for the women. | | |
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